Renewing My Blog

It has been a long time since I have blogged.... I have thought about doing it on many occasions but couldn't seem to find the want too.... So today I go to my older blogs and read over some of them... Gosh, it has been two years this month since I last blogged... I forgot how much I liked sharing what was in my heart.... The memories of those days sitting on my porch blogging.... So much has happen since my last blog... I wouldn't even be able to touch any of it... But the last couple of months has been some trying times for me... I have gone through somethings I never thought I would... and to be completely honest - it has been pretty scary for me... I have had to draw all my strength from the Lord that I could.... I faced disappointments and lacked understanding in why I was walking this walk... I was fighting depression and anxiety - something that has never been a part of my life... and the fear that took over my mind was frightening bringing me to the point of panic... Afraid to be alone , afraid of dying - not wanting to be here - wanting out so bad..... I now take a depression pill at night and I find it has leveled me out and I am praying one day I can be back to my happy contented self..... I hate the feeling of discontentment... I miss the feeling of peace and the pleasure of facing each new day... Sometimes when you don't understand why God allows things in your life it can test your faith.... I know in the dept of my heart He has a plan for my life - not knowing what it is is the hardest thing to deal with.... I try hard to hear God but the noise of my desires seem to keep me from hearing what He wants for me... I find myself envying other people's lives and I know I can't do that.... God tells me in all things thank Him and I really try hard but some days my heart is so sad I can't find those grateful words to express to the Lord.... But I know I have to so I can see what He will have for me... If I could rise above what I want then I would find peace in whatever God has for me whether it is to stay here or to move on... Not knowing is the hardest part.... The last two days have been hard for me, reading what everyone has been doing for their Easter weekend while I sit here with absolutely nothing to do here... I can only wish and try to be thankful in my situation... But I am looking forward to spending time with my children and grandchildren tomorrow for Easter... The older I get the more I find myself wanting to be with my family more... I do get lonely out here... I miss having coffee with my best friend while we laugh at silly little things... How I took those days for granted... In all the things that has gone on in my life lately, I do have to say, I am appreciative to the people in my life who have been there reminding me of God's word and His promises for me and covering me in prayer as they love me in spite of my weaknesses....... It has been a comfort knowing these people have had my back... I know I am in a season and I will come out of it better than I went in it but I wish it was over with and I would have definite direction..... Until then I will be searching for God's will in my life.....